


push me out to sea

by andidmarryyouharry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:22:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andidmarryyouharry/pseuds/andidmarryyouharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is drowning, and Louis is the sea. Beautiful and serene, but powerful and controlling at the same time. Every time Harry breaks the surface, gasping for air, there is a moment of calm. Seconds later, another wave sweeps over him, pulling him under.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this when Don't Let Me Go came out, so parts of it are kind of based off of that, and then I went to camp and forgot about it so here it is, I hope you enjoy :) 
> 
> Title is from the song Landfill by Daughter- look it up! :)

Harry comes home to Louis preparing to leave. This is normal now, Harry guesses. He and Louis haven’t spent a night together at home in a while. Harry drops his bag on the floor just as Louis grabs his wallet from the basket by the door. Harry reaches out for a hug, and Louis obliges. And with a quick kiss on the cheek and a promise, Louis slips out of the door and Harry’s grasp.

Louis doesn’t keep his promise. He promised Harry he’d be home at 12 am _at the latest_ , because Harry can’t sleep without him there, and Harry has an important interview for a job he wants in the morning. Harry lies awake, the empty space in their bed very noticeable at 1:08 am, and as he rolls over for the fifteenth time in as many minutes, he decides to make a cup of tea to soothe him and hopefully help him sleep. By 2:37 am, Harry has had about 7 cups of tea, and he’s been staring at the door, where Louis had promised him he’d enter over 2 hours before, for over half an hour. By 3:04, Harry has retreated to the couch, where some show about people who are crazy and people who are crazy in love is playing on the television. Harry isn’t really watching, as it is too early(and too late) to care about other fools in love. Louis comes home at 4:13 am, and after kissing Harry (he tastes like booze and broken promises), he promptly throws up on their living room carpet.

Harry wishes he could say that’s the worst thing that’s happened recently.

Harry doesn’t do so well on the interview, but it turns out that he’s the best candidate, and he gets the job. Harry turns to Louis to celebrate, but stops when he realizes Louis isn’t there for Harry anymore. He ends up calling Liam, and they go out for a drink or two.

Louis doesn’t come home for three days and Harry almost drives himself insane. Every time he hears a creak in their apartment, he whips his head around so fast he almost breaks his neck. But it’s never Louis. Louis ends up sneaking in early one morning, when Harry is fast asleep. 

(Harry has since learned to sleep without Louis there.)

 

He promises it will never happen again.

(It does.)

 

Louis promises a lot now, but Harry doesn’t hope that he will keep them anymore. The promises are fickle, like dust in the wind, here for the moment, but gone as quickly as they come.

Louis is Harry’s biggest regret, but he’s also Harry’s greatest pride.

Harry still makes Louis pancakes and tea every morning, and when Louis stops coming down for breakfast, Harry just has twice as much on his plate, and the drain in the kitchen sink drinks a cup of tea daily.

 

Louis comes home one night and falls on the floor. Harry instinctively leaps up from the couch and runs over, rolling him onto his back. Louis sits up and reaches for Harry, and it looks like he’s been slapped when Harry recoils. Harry somehow manages to get him upstairs to his room, supporting Louis’ tiny frame with his larger one.

“Hit me.” Louis slurs, leaning on Harry’s larger frame as Harry attempts to take off of Louis’ thick sweater doused in sweat.

“What?” Harry asks, wide awake now, worried that Louis is farther gone than he had assumed. 

“I’m bad for you, you shouldn’t love me anymore.” Louis said, his expression extraordinarily sober for someone that had consumed as much alcohol as he had. Louis is right, Harry shouldn’t love him. But Harry does.

Harry simply strips Louis of his sweater and shoes and tucks him into their bed. He kisses Louis only once, and on the cheek, before grabbing his pillow and trudging off to the living room and the ratty old couch. He shut the door quietly, ignoring Louis’ pleas to please hit him. 

     

Harry is drowning, and Louis is the sea. Beautiful and serene, but powerful and controlling at the same time. Every time Harry breaks the surface, gasping for air, there is a moment of calm. Seconds later, another wave sweeps over him, pulling him under. 

 

Harry works up the courage to say something he’s been hiding for months. “Louis. Just say you love me. Please.” Harry holds his breath, unable to look at Louis. He waits for Louis to reply, and the silence feels like a million broken shards of glass embedding themselves into his heart. Harry looks over, and sees that his eyes are closed. Of course, now that Harry finally had enough strength to say something, he would fall asleep. Harry just sighs and gently covers Louis with the blanket. 

 

When his mother brings up how Louis is a ship that's sinking, and she doesn’t want Harry going down with him, Harry wants to tell her Louis isn’t a ship, Louis is the sea, but he bites his lip and says what he knows she wants to hear. “But how can I leave him?” His mother just sighs, and ‘baby, it’s going to be hard, but it’ll be for the best.’ Harry knows she's right, but somehow he has a hard time believing he’ll ever be whole again without Louis. When Harry whispers that he loves Louis into the phone, his mother just sighs. 

 

Harry packs his bags, stripping his clothes off of the hangers. It’s surreal how many of Louis’ sweaters always managed to sneak into his closet, even though the sleeves were too short on Harry, barely reaching his wrists. Harry loves them as they remind him of Louis. _Loved_ , Harry thinks, shaking his head and leaving the sweaters folded up on his bare mattress. 

 

He leaves the key on the table by the door. He won’t be needing that anymore, and it has an air of finality about it, the fact that Harry, for once, feels like he has the power. He’s the one leaving Louis.

 

(Even though Louis had really left him months ago.)

 

And when Harry slams the door behind him, he hears the shattering of a picture frame as it crashes to the ground. He thinks it’s probably the one of Louis that Harry had first hung up when they had bought the flat. Harry turns around so he can pick up the glass pieces that Louis is guaranteed to step on when he comes home, too wasted to care. But Louis isn’t his responsibility anymore, Harry remembers bitterly.

 


	2. II

Liam isn’t as surprised as Harry expects him to be when Harry shows up at his door at 8:02 pm with three suitcases and a duffel bag. He opens the door, already offering up his couch before Harry even opens his mouth. 

 

It’s just weird when Liam wraps his arms around Harry, snuggles into him on the couch. Harry likes Liam as a friend, he really does. It’s just that Liam’s not _Louis_. Only Louis should be touching him like this. 

(Harry often forgets that Louis isn’t allowed to touch him like this anymore. Harry has to remember he doesn’t _want_ that, no matter how much he thinks he does.)

 

Zayn and Niall are trying to make it easier on Harry, he can tell. They’re barely touching, nothing like the extensive affections they usually display. When they do touch, it’s brief and longing. Harry has to ask them to just _please_ act normal, tell them it’s really not making him feel any better, and they hastily apologize. They’re still wary around him though, walking on eggshells, and Harry can’t stand it. He throws on his coat, says he’s going “out” and slips out of the door. He doesn’t end up going anywhere though, ends up bumming a smoke off of a man behind the complex, and sits there looking at the moon for about four hours. It starts to get lonely at about 2 am though, and Harry can’t stand being lonely anymore. If Liam’s surprised that Harry clings to him when he returns, he doesn’t show it, instead offering a comforting arm.

 

Harry makes Liam pancakes every morning before Liam leaves at 6:54 am every morning to go to work. It’s a new sense of rhythm in Harry’s life, but Harry isn’t sure he feels like dancing.

 

Harry leaves at 7:02 am every morning, and he misses the way Louis once said goodbye with his mouth.

(He has to keep reminding himself that the Louis he misses is a Louis that has been gone for a while.)

 

Liam’s flat is nice, it’s just not Harry’s home. And after two months, Harry is starting to doubt that it ever will be.

 

Harry wakes up with a missed call from Louis. There’s a voicemail, too, but Harry decides he’ll save that for another day, one where he has some form of a life preserver to save himself from Louis’ waves that attempt to drag him under again and again.

 

The light blinks on the answering machine all day, creating a monotonous reminder that it’s just the press of a button away. The red light flashes, and Harry stares at it for extended periods of time throughout the day.

 

Harry cracks at about four pm. 

 

“Harry. Hi. Wow, it’s been awhile. Um, I miss you. And like, I just wanted to say that I was a massive dick haha. Um, well. I pulled last night, and I let myself imagine he was you. And I realize what a dick I’ve been. I’m sorry, will you let me make it up to you or something? Uh, I’ll be at the coffee shop tomorrow at like 5. I work there now. And um, I understand if you don’t want to come. Uh, I’m being so awkward, it used to be so easy with you. Uh, well. Bye, I love you. Am I allowed to say that? Haha, Christ, this is fucking hard.”

 

Louis isn’t supposed to call Harry. He isn’t supposed to say he _loves_ Harry. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Harry isn’t prepared for this. Does he go? _Should_ he go? Will he go? This wasn’t supposed to happen. Louis, somehow, had always been able to pick the most inconvenient moment to flip Harry’s world upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you so so so much for reading- please give me feedback or tell me it sucked or whatever you want please (don't actually tell me it sucked try to be nice) thank you so much for reading ily all


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has taken forever to upload ugh i suck im sorry

Harry stands outside of the coffee shop, peering in through the large windows. He watches Louis glance up every time the bell on the door rings, signaling the arrival of another customer, with a huge smile on his face. Every time he sees who’s entering the shop, his face falls, and busies himself with his work again. Harry texts Liam one more time for luck and pushes open the door. He had forgotten how bright Louis’ smile was. He smiles feebly in response and weaves through the chairs to a table for two in a corner.

(Harry doesn’t notice how this time, Louis’ smile stays.)

 

Harry sits at the table, watching the people in the shop as they interact with each other. He makes up stories in his head about why they are there and who they are with. He doesn’t watch Louis, except he sort of does. He watches Louis bustle around behind the counter, and Harry pretends Louis has his stupid smile on his face because he loves his stupid goddamned job. 

(He also pretends Louis doesn’t look at him frequently.)

 

When Louis finally unties his apron, Harry checks his phone.

**Good luck! I believe in you. Remember, you don’t need him. xx Li.**

When he looks up, Louis has two cups in his hands, and he is artfully dodging chairs and customers and absolutely _beaming_. Harry had forgotten how beautiful Louis looked when he was happy. Maybe Harry did need Louis, just a little bit. Harry reminds himself he shouldn’t want Louis anymore. The thing is, it was never a want with Louis, always a need.

 

Louis sits down at the table, and before Harry can even reach for it, Louis starts tearing open sugar packets and dumping them into Harry’s tea. When Harry asks what Louis is doing, he looks up, slightly alarmed. “Do you not take three packets of sugar in your tea anymore?” 

(Harry does.)

“I just usually do it myself, is all.” Harry doesn’t want Louis to make him tea, it reminds him too much of what they used to be. 

Harry ignores the way Louis’ mouth slackens at the edges as he takes the cup from Louis, pouring in the final packet of sugar. Louis offers him a banana nut muffin, his favorite, and he takes it, wishing Louis wasn’t making this so _hard_ for him. 

 

They sit there in silence for a bit, drinking their teas, and occasionally making eye contact with the other. Harry always breaks it first. When Louis awkwardly asks him how living with Liam is, Harry resists the urge to say how it’s not the same, he misses how it used to be with Louis. Instead, he mumbles something about how Liam can actually cook, and this time, he doesn’t miss the way Louis’ face falls. Something inside Harry pangs when that happens, but Harry just takes a bite of his muffin and looks away. 

 

Louis brings up the issue of their apartment after an awkward silence, and Harry can’t believe its been two months since he’s been there. Harry asks how Louis is doing with the rent, and offers to pay part of it, but Louis refuses. “It’s my fault you don’t live there anyways.” Louis says, eyes flicking up to Harry’s own. Harry looks down into his cup and mumbles something about how it was his choice to leave, Louis really had no input in the decision.

 

Harry should’ve known what was coming next.

 

“Would you ever consider coming back?” Louis asked, drumming his fingers in an erratic pattern on the table. Harry bit his lip. Liam was going to be so disappointed in Harry if he knew what Harry was about to say. Louis just looked so hopeful, his big blue eyes full of uncertainty. When Harry says he might, Louis’ eyes become so warm and _happy_ that Harry can’t help but smile. 

 

When Harry tries to pay for his own cup of tea, Louis waves the thought away with a ‘don’t be ridiculous love, it’s on me’. Harry ends up slipping an extra couple of dollars into the tip jar as Louis ushers him out of the door. 

 

Louis insists on walking him home despite Harry’s protests, and for some reason, that makes Harry’s heart flutter a little bit more than it should. Harry keeps reminding himself that he _can’t_ , Louis is so bad for him, and to remember what happened before. 

 

As they near Liam’s complex (Harry still has a problem calling it his home, it’s always been Liam’s and always will be), Louis starts giggling. (“This feels like our first date all over again. There’s only one question.. Do I get to give you a goodnight kiss?”) Louis reaches out, and Harry immediately stiffens. Louis suddenly steps back and shoves his hands into his pockets, staring down at the ground as if it had suddenly become very intriguing. After a very awkward goodbye, Harry almost runs up to his apartment, ready to crawl into his bed and dream about cerulean eyes and a smile that could blind the sun.

 

When Harry slams the door open, Liam jumps up from the couch, a worried expression on his face. 

“Did it not go well?”

“It went great, that’s the problem, Li. I can’t. I really really really can’t.” 

Liam immediately envelops Harry in his arms, smoothing down Harry’s dark brown curls, and whispering a calming mantra of ‘it’ll be fine, you’ll be fine’ into his ear. Liam is great, but Harry wishes he felt a softer stomach in place of Liam’s rock hard one. The thought just makes Harry sob harder, as he wants Louis and Louis wants him, but he can’t have Louis, can’t put himself through everything again.

 

Harry can’t sleep that night, tossing and turning like waves which can’t find the shore. This time, he’s the ocean, and Louis is his shore. Harry just wishes there was a lighthouse which could keep him from crashing into the coast repeatedly, as waves have a tendency to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, critique is welcome! please tell me how i could make it better :) also tell me what parts you liked etc, etc. twitter is @bookstoreharry if you want to contact me on there :)

**Author's Note:**

> i have more of this written, and so if you guys liked it please let me know so i can post a bit more :) 
> 
> Also- writing critiques are welcome- please share, but please be nice :)


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